A Conclusion To My Sacred Slut Experiment

by | May 8, 2023 | Uncategorized

A Conclusion to My Sacred Slut Experiment

Now that I’ve wrapped up my Sacred Slut Experiment, I want to fill you in on some details and unpack my experience of intentional non-monogamy. In this episode, I look back on how dating in my 20s and 30s has changed and what I want to take with me (and leave behind) during this next chapter of my life. 

Ultimately, I’ve come to the conclusion that a partnership would be a nice-to-have if it’s going to add extraordinary value to my life, but otherwise, I’m gonna keep it moving. Join me as I reflect on the past nine months of this experiment and look ahead to what’s next.


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In episode 423 of the Embodied Podcast we discuss:

(2:22) Monogamous dating in my 20s and early 30s 

(8:15) Why love isn’t enough to keep a relationship going 

(12:34) What inspired me to try out intentional polyamory 

(16:50) The challenges with dating culture in Miami 

(21:08) Getting my relational needs met in friendships 

(23:18) Re-channeling my energy and focus into creative projects

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Quotes from this Week’s Episode of the Embodied Podcast: 

  • None of us are single. None of us are completely alone and don’t have anybody. 
  • Love is not enough. A lot of people romanticize love as the glue that keeps a relationship going. But love can often be the reason why people stay in something that isn’t working. 
  • Where you live can really be a determining factor to the quality of the poly experience. Different places are going to be more conducive to it than others, and that has ended up being a factor for me here in my Sacred Slut Experiment.
  • I have access to a lot of choices that other people don’t. And some of that is due to privilege, but a lot of it is because of really hard choices and work that I’ve done over the last 10-15 years. I’m so proud of that and I cherish that so much. I’m really not willing to sacrifice or compromise it for anything, unless it is extraordinary and a total value add to my life.

How was this episode for you?

Was this episode helpful for you today? I’d love to know what quote or lesson touched your soul. Let me know in the comments below OR share the episode on Instagram, tag me your stories @elizabethdialto, or send me a DM!

About the Embodied Podcast with Elizabeth DiAlto

Since 2013 I’ve been developing a body of work that helps women embody self-love, healing, and wholeness. We do this by focusing on the four levels of consciousness – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

In practical terms, this looks like exploring tools and practices to help you tune into the deep wisdom of the body and the knowing of the heart, which I believe are gateways to our souls. Then we cultivate a new relationship with our minds that allows the mind to serve this wisdom and knowledge and soul connection, rather than override it, which is what many of us were taught.

If you’ve been doing self-help or spiritual development work for a while, these are the types of foundational things that often people overlook in pursuit of fancier concepts that often aren’t practical or sustainable. Here, we will focus on building these strong foundations so you can honestly and thoroughly embody self-love. If you’re feeling it, subscribe to the show, and leave us a review wherever you listen from. You can also keep up with show updates and community discussions on Instagram here.

Transcript for Episode 423 “A Conclusion To My Sacred Slut Experiment“:

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:00

soulfulness. So what feeds the soul? What allows your soul to take up more space in your life? Right not not feeds the ego, the personality or the conditioning, and then satisfaction. What just feels so fucking good to do? What feels nourishing? What feels correct. And my life as is without any great lovers, a partner is hitting a lot of my markers under the four S’s right now, so there’s really no impetus for me to direct time, energy and attention towards that.

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:37

What’s up everybody? Welcome to episode number 423 of The Embodied Podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth DiAlto. And before we dive into today’s episode, which is a solo episode, I want to remind you that there is about like a week and a half left in the energy and archetypes free series that I have been running, you can check out the details at untamed yourself.com forward slash workshops. If you’re into energy work, or if you’re curious about energy work. And if you’re into archetypes or curious about archetypes, specifically the wild soul archetypes that I created a couple of years ago to be like sub archetypes, more specific archetypes under the umbrella of the wild woman archetype, you might really dig this series. And I also designed it to just be a fun and light exploration of energy work and the wild soul archetype. So not too deep, not big processing, we’re not talking about trauma, we’re not talking about wounds. We’re just doing some fun, and playful exploration and self discovery in there. So if that sounds like something you’d be interested in, again, check it out at untamed yourself.com forward slash workshops.

Elizabeth DiAlto  01:46

Now, this week’s episode, this solo, which is my second to last solo before we take a little summer break in June, if you’ve been following along my sacred Slut Experiment, which I started last June, and I think I first shared it on the podcast in September after I’ve been in it for a couple of months, it has come to a conclusion everybody. And I’m gonna make you wait to the end of the episode to tell you what the full conclusion is, because I want to review and fill you in on some details and take you into the experience a little bit with me. And a couple ways that I don’t think I have in the other two episodes that I’ve done about it.

Elizabeth DiAlto  02:22

But for a lot of it, I really, really enjoyed this experiment. In my 20s, I was really just dating for monogamy to find a husband get married and have kids without questioning whether I actually wanted any of that. Because in my 20s, I was just following along with what everybody does just following the steps. I remember specifically, like my first really long term boyfriend I had in my 20s, which lasted for four years, it was on and off, and it was long distance for part of it. But I really remember like being in church, y’all I still went to church in my 20s. And like looking at little kids and wondering like what our children would look like. And it makes me laugh now, because obviously I’m so freakin far away from that life experience. But that’s where I was at in my 20s

Elizabeth DiAlto  03:12

And my 30s I realized that I can make different choices and started really deeply questioning what I wanted. And dating with different objectives in mind to try things out, try things on and see what was for me and see what wasn’t, after my last long term, serious relationship that was about three years, and I lived with that person for two of those years, I was pretty certain that entering into a committed partnership would not be something I would do again, unless it was truly going to make my life better. Like my life is good. I have worked so hard to have, you know, like a relatively peaceful life, very content, I’ve healed a lot of shit. I don’t have a lot of chaos or drama in my life every once in a while because no one’s above that. And there’s always going to be uncontrollable things. You know, I’ve been running my business now for almost 10 years. For the most part, like Nobody tells me what to do. I have access to a lot of choices that other people don’t. And some of that is due to privilege, but a lot of it I have to be real is because of some really hard choices and some really hard work that I’ve done over the last like 1015 years. And I’m so so proud of that. And I cherish that so much. I’m really not willing to sacrifice or compromise that for anything, unless it really is extraordinary and a total value add to my life. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  04:45

So I was single and I put single on air quotes. I really hate the word single. And I’m gonna go off on that tangent for a second because none of us are single. None of us are completely alone and don’t have Anybody, and I’m not saying nobody in the world is, but I’m saying if you have access to what you need to be able to access to listen to a podcast, you probably have some people in your life and you’re not completely single or solo, right, I don’t have a better term for it on partnered, but that even that that because, you know for some of us, our friends are our partners, there are life partners. You know, sometimes it’s a platonic life partner. My best friend is certainly like that we talk about this, like the things that we get from each other that we get to nourish through our relationship that we would never even get from romantic partners. That in and of itself is a kind of partnership. So anyway, I don’t have a better term for it, but I hate the word single.

Elizabeth DiAlto  05:44

But I was solo is that a better word? Dating from 2016 to 2020. Not really considering myself polyamorous, but also enjoying having a few levers here and there, or, you know, seeing a few different people at a time. And I was enjoying that more than I was willing to admit to myself, since I’d had a very poor experience and oppression of polyamorous people, the polyamorous lifestyle, living in North County, San Diego when I was there, from 2013 to 2016. And then in 2020, right at the start of the pandemic, I had literally had gone on the first date with this man, like three or four days before locked down in Los Angeles. And we really liked each other. And, you know, the day after lockdown, I remember he texted me like, Hey, are you still interested in hanging out during all this? And I was like, sure, like, as we kind of talked through the safety things. And we decided we wanted to do that. And so, you know, within a month, I kind of found myself in a serious relationship again. And we were technically never exclusive in the committed sense, but because of the pandemic, and again, lock downs in Los Angeles, we were really only seeing each other. And he also had a small child. So on a much faster timeline than it probably would have been in non pandemic times. I was hanging out with the kiddo doing sleepovers and bedtime. And for a short mythical couple of months, it really felt like we were a little family. And after that experience, I knew for sure, I didn’t want kids, there had still been a very mild question mark on it. For me, I was open to being a bonus mom, and I loved that kid from that relationship. I loves that kid so much. I also kind of felt like if I wasn’t going to be that kid’s bonus, Mom, I just didn’t want to be one period. But the stress of dealing with literal baby mama drama in that relationship. And again, just realizing how hard I had worked for a peaceful life, free from codependency and toxic relationship dynamics reminded me that no matter how much I loved that man or his child, I was not willing to sign myself up to be right in the middle of somebody else’s drama, toxic relationship dynamics, and stuff like that, by proxy, I wasn’t going to do that to myself, I basically wasn’t going to like flush all the hard work I’d done, especially with a person who really did not have the capacity or the availability being a single dad to work on himself. So I left that relationship. Even though I loved them both so much, it just wasn’t worth it to me.

Elizabeth DiAlto  08:15

And that also built on a lifelong lesson that I’ve been getting over and over again, which is often hard one for a lot of people, which is that love is not enough. A lot of people romanticize love as the glue that keeps a relationship going. But love can often be the reason why people stay in something that isn’t working. And I had had that experience more than once. And I was no longer doing that either. So I left that relationship. It was gutting and heartbreaking. And then I think I’ve mentioned this on other podcast episodes. But if you’re new here, I’m a Venus in Leo, whether you’re into astrology or not. I’m a person who like loves love, adores adoring, I love intimacy. I’m good at intimacy. I love going deep with people. I love getting to know people. And I’m inclined to just love humans. So I fall in love pretty easily. And so when I was younger, like I said more so in my 20s That was really hard on me because I didn’t realize that I could love someone but choose not to be with them or not have to be with them. Right like just loving someone doesn’t mean you need to be with them or even that you should be with them. Right? Because is there compatibility? Is there chemistry? Are there shared values? Is this sustainable long term? Do you want the same things? Like there’s so many freaking factors that will determine whether or not a relationship will work?

Elizabeth DiAlto  09:44

A friend and I have recently been talking about the show India matchmaking, and I had watched the first two seasons, the third season just came out on Netflix. And we were just talking about how fascinating we find it that some of the most successful relationships on the show and Among the parents or relatives were arranged marriages, people who really grew who, who entered into the marriage because it made sense for whatever variety of reasons and parameters, they had chosen matter to them, where their families had chosen mattered. And then they built a relationship over time, that turned into great love and affection. And they had families and these were, like, genuinely happy people who did not enter into marriage because they loved each other. They entered into marriage because it made sense.

Elizabeth DiAlto  10:35

And that reminds me of a video that I saw many, many months ago, actually, someone I had met on the field dating app and sent it to me by this guy, I think his name is like Elaine Bolton, or or Alain de Bolton, or something like that, about basically like the historical context for the evolution of marriage. And when romanticization romanticization. I can never pronounce that word entered into how people make their decisions about who to marry. And when people really started wanting, like they call it on Indian matchmaking a love match. Right?

Elizabeth DiAlto  11:09

So all of that tangent to say something that I’ve really been weaning myself off of and deprogramming in myself in my 30s has been overly romanticizing relationships and partnership, or marriage or anything like that. And like all things, I feel like I need to say this here, if you’re like a hardcore romantic, and like you and your partner, or a love match, like I think that’s amazing. I’m not out here trying to disprove it. I’m not jaded. I’m not shitting on it. I’m not saying that’s not possible. I’m just saying that is not necessarily the thing that makes sense, or should be the determining factor for everybody. Right? It’s for some people, it’s not for other people. And for me, I realized that I was really harming myself over and over and over again, right? Like when we look at when we zoom out on relationship dynamics, and we go, okay, well, if the common denominator is me, I don’t love the well, why am I attracting this? It’s not that this is different.

Elizabeth DiAlto  12:08

If the common denominator is me, why do I keep choosing this? Or why do I keep putting myself in the position to have this experience, and for me, a lot of it was I was just healing stuff, I kept choosing certain things. So I could review it again, unpack it on a different level. And, you know, I feel like through the sacred Slit Experiment, as well, I’ve kind of graduated around a lot of things in relationships.

Elizabeth DiAlto  12:34

So to return from this tangent, I managed to fall in love again in 2021, with a person who wasn’t ready to settle down, which at the time was excruciating and broke my heart. But I have to tell you how, since then, I have been so so so grateful, because if that person had wanted a relationship, I probably would have just gotten into one. Right, especially after the pandemic, especially after being so isolated living in California, I was in a more fragile and vulnerable place mentally and emotionally than I ever have in my life. Right. Even with all my tools, even with all my practices, I was just, I was struggling. 2021 was probably the hardest year of my life, ever. And so I’m just so glad that he wasn’t ready. So I walked away from that. And then literally a month after that, I met someone who was really, really great on paper. He had all the qualities I’d been saying I wanted in a partner, he was extremely emotionally available. He was pursuing me, all the fucking things, and I was so bored. And that is when it finally hit me that maybe you just didn’t want to be in a relationship.

Elizabeth DiAlto  13:45

Because it was funny. Again, I looked at it. I’m like, is this an attachment style thing? Am I being avoidant? Blah, blah, blah? I was like, No, I just don’t want it because I remember, you know, my work is embodiment. So I remember the moment I allowed myself to consider, do I really just not want a relationship, a life partner, and my whole body relaxed. It was like my whole body saying to me, like, finally, finally, you realize, right, like, as if I was Einstein, being insane, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And I was like, oh, it’s possible that I just don’t want this and I realized it didn’t. And listen, I’ve taken many breaks from men throughout the years, and I’m always very contented during those times. Now, of course, as a highly sexual person who loves affection and companionship, when I am on breaks from men when I’m not dating. I do miss those things. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  14:42

But honestly, it’s just not as big of a deal as I have talked myself into it being at certain points in my life. And my sacred slit experiment is something I began out of curiosity, you know, basically with the question of like, cool, if I don’t want to be in like a serious committed monogamous partnership What do I want? Is there an alternative for me? So the hypothesis was maybe I’m not actually built for conventional relationships. So let me be intentional about polyamory and see if maybe this is how I should have been approaching things all along, right, which I don’t really do regret. So when I say how I should have been approaching things all along, I just mean, maybe this is what I’ve always been billed for. And I’ve been taking an incorrect approach for me. And if you’ve listened to my other updates, you know that I was, again, really enjoying it, and really feeling like it was a fit for a while, like almost nine months. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  15:31

And here’s the thing. I am a person who can always find a diamond in the rough like this is actually one of the reasons why I like dating. I love that in a sea of people who are not qualified or worth my time finding the people who are. But that doesn’t mean that I should exert as much effort as I have to do so. I’m also the kind of person who just always meets men in public. For some reason the grocery store is my hotspot, more often than not, as well, when I’m in like sweaty, like workout clothes or something. I’ve just been on a walk. And I’m like gross and sweating. Because it’s hot and humid, almost all the time in Miami, no makeup minding my business. And that’s not just in Miami, that’s really been almost everywhere I’ve ever lived. Some reason men approached me in the grocery store.

Elizabeth DiAlto  16:14

Also meeting men and being approached, doesn’t mean it’s worth my time. And that is ultimately the conclusion of the sacred slot experiment. I love living in Miami, it is the best place that I’ve lived in all my years of trying to figure out where to put down roots. This also is not a perfect city, like are there problems with it? Could I complain about some things about Miami? Absolutely. But honestly, of all the places I’ve tried this place makes the most sense. As I was getting into polyamory intentionally, I follow some people on Instagram, read some books and a bunch of articles. And some of that often comes up in discussions around polyamory, is that where you live can really be a determining factor to the quality of the poly experience, different places are going to be more conducive to it than others. And that has ended up being a factor for me here in my sacred slot experiment. That’s why I just shared like how much I love live in Miami, I’m not going to move so I can meet a man. You know, there’s a reason why Miami tops the charts of worst cities to date in America.

Elizabeth DiAlto  17:13

When I moved here, like people had told me that I had seen these articles, I did not want to buy into that narrative. I was like, I don’t need to be negative, like whatever. Like I meet great people wherever I am, which is true. But after almost two years, I’m pretty comfortable confirming that the quality and dating culture here are very subpar. And especially for for someone like me, right? Like, let me not, maybe that’s not the case for other people. But for me personally for the type of person I am for person with a mystical heart for person who cares about humanity and liberation. And all the fucking things I care about this is this is a challenging place to meet people that I feel aligned with enough to be intimate with on any level. And the poly culture here tends to be more towards the swinger lifestyle than the deeper more intimate, ethical or consensual non monogamy that I was personally more interested in.

Elizabeth DiAlto  18:12

Because again, like I’m really wired for intimacy, and something one of my dearest friends a man who was not monogamous, and he hates the term polyamorous, so I’m not going to use it to describe him. But something that he illuminated for me, which was really helpful is that you know, the same way straight women or women who date men have consistent experiences with men that make them distrustful or jaded, or just cautious about certain things. Men have those things with women, too. And one of them is women who say they’re cool with just being casual, or just being friends with benefits, or that they don’t want anything serious, but often end up wanting more. Or they see those things thinking that they can convince the man or that he’ll change his mind.

Elizabeth DiAlto  18:56

And so I guess men, a lot of men have had that experience. So often, they just don’t believe women, any women when they say that. So when I say that men don’t realize I mean it. They don’t know me yet, they have no reason to believe I’m any different from women who have said that in the past. And because I am deep and intense, they often read that as I’m going to want more. And it’s so funny. I mean, I’ve laughed about this with my friends so much about like, some of these men who make great lovers, like I would never, you couldn’t pay me to merge my life with theirs in a serious relationship. It’s really been so entertaining. I’m gonna write more sub stacks about this. But the real real is just I just have no interest in merging my life with anyone else’s, at least not at this juncture in my life.

Elizabeth DiAlto  19:50

And just this morning, as I was sitting down to write this episode, I saw a clip of a Tracee Ellis Ross conversation with Kevin Hart that I’ve seen other clips of before I really We need to look up the whole thing. But Tracee Ellis Ross is talking about that she loves a relationship that actually makes her life better. But if it doesn’t, she’s good on her own. And the reason I’ve seen so many clips of this interview is because people send it to me all the time, because we’re like, oh, this reminded me of you. And I’m like, Yes, preach like I get it, I totally get it. Because this is where I’ve been for a lot of years. So I went into this sacred Slut Experiment, hoping that I could sustain having a few long term consistent lovers. And some of you might remember, I call this having a constellation of companions. And I had a few for several months, that were consistent. It was enjoyable, it was nourishing, but eventually, my interest waned. And it wasn’t that I wanted more it was that what was available just wasn’t worth the effort to maintain it.

Elizabeth DiAlto  20:46

And by the way, let me not make this sound like I was out here with my like, pick of the litter, you know, choosing men and then letting them go. When I was done. Like, there were plenty of people who ghosted or you know, who said something, or, you know, we hung out once, and then that was kind of it fizzled out, like I still had some of those types of experiences, too. I think we’re, I’m lucky,

Elizabeth DiAlto  21:08

I have incredible intimacy and connection with my friends. So my relational needs are deeply met. I’m just not someone out here. Who needs anything from men really, obviously, my sexual needs aren’t met by my friends. But that’s also just not a priority for me. A plus. I mean, if we can be real, self pleasure is amazing. Sex toys are amazing. And as an astrologer friend of mine, and for me recently, my progress son moved into Scorpio a few months ago. And as much as I loved alone time before, I’m going to be loving it, craving it and needing it even more in the coming years. And I fucking feel that in my bones, even in the last few months, as I started coding, like, letting my longer term lovers from this experiment, go, like, there were a couple people I had been seeing for like, six, seven months, and I wrapped that up, I was just like, I am just so enjoying being on my own, and even getting texts from people who I had really liked, like, hey, when can I see? Or, Hey, when are you available, and just not feeling compelled or interested in spending time anymore? You know, I had to trust that about myself.

Elizabeth DiAlto  22:16

So I had a conversation with God. You know, some of you’ve heard me say this in different episodes in different contexts before, but one of my biggest life, I wouldn’t even call it a mantra, it’s kind of like guiding forces in my life, is that I only want what God wants for me. If there’s an epic and extraordinary love, or constellation of companions out there, for me, that’s truly meant for me, and will make my life exponentially better than it is when I’m on my own. Of course, I am open and receptive to that. I just won’t prioritize it or put in any major effort toward it. And basically, I’m gonna have to bump into someone in the wild, and he’s gonna have to pursue me otherwise, I’m really not interested. And I feel like the meme, there’s a meme. Some of you have probably seen this for introverts that says something like introverts waiting for the love of their life to show up in their living room. But I’m not waiting for that. I’m not pining for it, I’m not longing for it. And again, it’s it to me at this point, it feels like it would be a nice to have, but it’s not essential. I don’t need it. It’s just not something I want to put effort towards anymore.

Elizabeth DiAlto  23:17

And the other piece, and this relates to energy and archetypes, which I’ve been talking about in the free series that I mentioned at the start of this episode. Again, you could check that out at untamed yourself.com forward slash workshops, if you’re interested. But sexual and creative energy, reside in the same energy center in the body, right, that’s sacral energy. And I have so much creativity flowing through me this year. There’s not much room for sex. And I’m totally okay with that, too. It’s not that I don’t have a sex drive, I still have a sex drive. But I really have been channeling that energy into these creative projects that I’m very excited about, as well. I’ll say that, do you mean the real up level earlier this year, which was a business interview series about laboratory business practices, for those of you who haven’t heard me talk about that, that also helped me land on this conclusion, because I asked most of our speakers, how they engage with success and prosperity on their own terms, using a framework of these four SS that I came up with at the end of 2021. For myself, and I was interested, I brought those into the real upper level because I was interested to see how other people might engage with the four S’s and they are sufficiency. So what’s enough sustainability? What makes sense in the long term and is also doable, soulfulness. So what feeds the soul what allows your soul to take up more space in your life, right not not feeds the ego, the personality or the conditioning? And then satisfaction? What just feels so fucking good to do? What feels nourishing? What feels correct. And my life as is without any great lovers, a partner is hitting a lot of my markers under the four S’s right now So there’s really no impetus for me to direct time, energy and attention towards that. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  25:04

And the last thing I’ll share is this during this Mercury Retrograde period and the recent eclipse season, I did a lot of grieving and reflecting and letting go, not necessarily of regret, but perhaps on missed opportunities, or times when I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And I’ve invested and giving so much time to men in my 20s, and 30s. And I’m just not interested in doing that my 40s I really would love to deprioritize men and romance and sex, even in my 40s and see what might be possible, when I am not just giving that so much time, energy and attention. In terms of my wild soul archetypes. This is big, sovereign Queen energy for me right now. And that shit feels really, really good. So that’s where I’m at. That’s the conclusion of the experiment. I am 39 for another what are we in May, June, July Oh, so I’m 39 for another four months. And I am very intentionally walking into this new decade. And I’m really excited to have come to this conclusion, and to be going into my 40s with this intention of, you know, D prioritizing that and just having so much more room for all of these other things when I’m not directing energy that way. So thank you so much for listening to this.

Elizabeth DiAlto  26:24

And following along with the experiment. If you have, I will still be writing on substack focusing more on fiction and storytelling, because there’s a lot of things that I haven’t shared from the sacred Slit Experiment, as I was still in it that I will be able to share now. And that’s where I’ll be doing it. So you can subscribe@elizabeth.de Alto, or rather Elizabeth D alto.substack.com. It’s also called the labyrinth of love if you’re on substack. And you want to look it up by the name. Also registration for the wild soul sacred body membership is open may 17, to the 22nd. And it will probably not be opening again until December or January, December 2023 or January 2024. And you can check out the details for that if

Elizabeth DiAlto  27:06

you’re interested. If you’re looking for like a grounded spiritual home for people who are you know, a range of places in their spiritual life from newbies to deeply practiced and seasoned people. And you are looking for consistent practices, real community, and also a place that’s like, no BS very grounded, no spiritual bypassing. It’s a laboratory space. We have fun while we do our work. I love the membership. It’s one of the favorite, my favorite things that I do. I love our people in there. We have a couple 100 people in there. So it’s not overwhelming or anything like that. It’s just a great, it’s a great spot. So check that out. If you’re looking for something like that. And next week, we’ll be back with my dear friend Asha Ramakrishna and her co writer of their recent human design book for bipoc Folks, which I have been loving making my way through. So if you’re a human design geek, make sure you tune in for next week’s episode.