As someone who used to bottle up all of their fiery feelings and struggle with emotional intelligence, I’ve experienced first-hand how verbally processing things is an extremely liberatory practice. It helps to create better, more satisfying experiences and prevents us from having to deal with things that are actually avoidable.

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In this episode, I share a few stories to illuminate how, why, and where it’s important to use your words to free yourself. I look at examples across a range of contexts, including dating, business, family, and community.

In episode 413 of the Embodied Podcast we discuss:

  • (2:24) A few housekeeping items and ways to get involved with classes, workshops, and trainings 
  • (4:04) My communication background from a Human Design and astrology perspective 
  • (8:28) First things first: be honest with yourself when something is bothering you, and/or you desire collaboration 
  • (9:57) How I vet potential lovers and the thought-process behind each question 
  • (14:18) Why it’s so important to establish community agreements and guidelines in all of your spaces
  • (19:46) What I’m going to be exploring in my upcoming business interview series
  • (24:57) Why I believe the main reason for bad sex is actually bad communication (28:19) If you have your own examples or want to join the conversation, reach out in via DM or email

Slide into my DMs on Instagram:

Resources mentioned by Elizabeth in the episode:

Don’t miss an episode of The Embodied Podcast.

Quotes from this Week’s Episode of the Embodied Podcast: 

  • We don’t set boundaries with people we’re not trying to keep around. We set boundaries when we’re actually hoping to continue connecting with people, but make it a better connection.
  • The problem with an unspoken standard is that it doesn’t allow people to show up well in a space. The standard should be clear, spoken, and highlighted, especially when someone new is joining so they can orient themselves to the space.
  • When something makes us angry, it’s really healthy to transmute that energy into something creative or useful. 
  • We don’t always have to choose to do heavy lifting or address something in a moment.
  • Sometimes, if it’s a repeat experience, that is a big invitation for you to take a look at it and do something differently. And communication is often something that we can do differently, which is why it can be so liberating.

How was this episode for you?

Was this episode helpful for you today? I’d love to know what quote or lesson touched your soul. Let me know in the comments below OR share the episode on Instagram, tag me your stories @elizabethdialto, or send me a DM!

About the Embodied Podcast with Elizabeth DiAlto

Since 2013 I’ve been developing a body of work that helps women embody self-love, healing, and wholeness. We do this by focusing on the four levels of consciousness – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

In practical terms, this looks like exploring tools and practices to help you tune into the deep wisdom of the body and the knowing of the heart, which I believe are gateways to our souls. Then we cultivate a new relationship with our minds that allows the mind to serve this wisdom and knowledge and soul connection, rather than override it, which is what many of us were taught.

If you’ve been doing self-help or spiritual development work for a while, these are the types of foundational things that often people overlook in pursuit of fancier concepts that often aren’t practical or sustainable. Here, we will focus on building these strong foundations so you can honestly and thoroughly embody self-love. If you’re feeling it, subscribe to the show, and leave us a review wherever you listen from. You can also keep up with show updates and community discussions on Instagram here.

Transcript for Episode 413 “Liberate Your Words to Set Yourself Free“:

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:00

And as many people know, people are too diverse to promise complete safety to everyone all the time, but inclusivity and having an ethic of care, where compassion, curiosity and willingness to dig in and do the work together, when things come up is liberating for everybody involved. This also highlights one of my favorite things about boundaries, which is that we don’t set boundaries with people, we’re not trying to keep around. We only set boundaries when we’re actually hoping to continue connection with people, but just make it a better connection.

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:38

Hello, everybody, welcome to episode number 413 of the Embody Podcast with Elizabeth DiAlto. Today we are talking about liberating your words to set yourself free. This is part three of a series about liberatory practices for an expansive year slash life. Originally, it was expensive year. And then I realized as I started posting about it and sending out emails that I kept writing life, not just a year, probably because everything we’re talking about in this series is going to go well beyond 2023.

Elizabeth DiAlto  01:12

So we’re getting into liberating your words to set yourself free, because we all know that there are a lot of ways a lot of levels on which we all need to get free. And a lot of ways where us as individuals have to also consider the collective the communities we occupy and how we engage with each other and the world at large. So this isn’t just about you. As always, you know, everything we do in and around and dealing with ourselves also has to do with the impact it’s having on the world around us and the other people in our lives. And as we begin with ourselves that was we do our own work, we also help others liberate themselves at all. So this is important stuff, and it gets me real hype to talk about it.

Elizabeth DiAlto  01:59

In a moment, I’ll be really specific and give several examples. So you can identify where you might not be using your words and your life and how that’s keeping you stuck, trapped and unfree on any or many levels. And I’m also addressing some edgier stuff than usual today. So buckle up. And I say that both for me and for you.

Elizabeth DiAlto  02:24

Now, also, I want to say if you ever want to go beyond listening to the podcast, if you’re a listener, and you’ve never taken a class or a workshop or done a program or anything with me before, but you want to you want to check out the embodiment work that we do at the School of sacred embodiment. You can always start with our free rituals download at untamed forward slash rituals. There is a meditation in there and energetic attunement. There are some journaling prompts, playlist recommendations, it’s a super juicy and robust download. And again, it’s everyone’s favorite price free 99. So go to untamed forward slash rituals to check that out. You could also take a workshop I teach several workshops throughout the year I teach them online and they’re always recorded. You can always see what’s coming up at untamed forward slash workshops. And if you’d like to take a movement class with me, I run open community classes which means anyone is welcome to join those classes every month. So to see what this month’s class and theme is visit on tamer, forward slash classes. And if you happen to be listening to this in real time, our next class is coming up Sunday February 5. It is a wild soul wisdom class and the theme is harmonizing the body mind. So if that sounds like something you could use, again, you can find out the details and sign up at untamed forward slash classes. Last but not least, if you’re interested in exploring, dating love, sex and intimacy, I created a sub stack a few months ago, you can check that out at Elizabeth D 

Elizabeth DiAlto  04:04

So back to liberating our words to set ourselves free. In a lot of ways this episode is about boundaries. That’s not the only thing though. And I’m coming from a few different contexts, and synthesizing a lot of things I’ve learned about courageous, compassionate and effective communication over the years in this episode. I also want to acknowledge something I am forever reminding our listeners of some of you are probably tired of hearing it, but not all of what I share will be relevant or resonant for you. And that’s okay. I give the caveat here as well that I am very built for the kind of communication I’m going to talk about in this episode. For the Human Design geeks, I have a defined throat and it’s connected to my defined sacral. So tons of consistent energy for communication and for the astrology nerds. I have Gemini rising north node and Chiron In the first house, Mars and Venus conjunct in Leo in the third house of communication, and my Mercury is in Virgo that is exalted there. So a lot of messenger energy. And Mercury is actually the ruler of my chart. So teaching and communicating is a big part of what I came here for. And with that third house Leo conjunction, what that often means is my communication is going to be coming out hot. So again, that really might not be your way or your style. And you don’t have to make it right, you don’t have to try to be me, but take these nuggets from the episode and apply them in your own way, which obviously sometimes takes some trial and error, it might take some messing up, you might upset some people, you might say some things you wish you didn’t say like that’s all part of it, right? Experimentation is all part of it, you might have to apologize or do some repair, or clean it up later. And those are things we should all be practicing and getting used to doing anyway. Because none of us are perfect, I would rather mess up have to apologize, repair, learn something, do something differently, and be humbled by the entire experience than never even try. And I highly encourage you to take on that approach as well.

Elizabeth DiAlto  06:14

I also say this, because whenever I share things about communication, some people respond like I could never say that or that’s so hard for me. Some people have shared over the years that they feel like my communication style is too bold, or in some cases, even rude. And here’s the thing, it’s neither. But it is very assertive and very direct, which some people receive as rude. And listen, if that’s you, that’s your right. And again, it might not be your style, but you do not have to do things or say things the way I do. It’s a matter of figuring out how to make it your own putting things in your own words and filtering it through your own energy.

Elizabeth DiAlto  06:50

The contexts I’m going to be synthesizing today range across dating, running a business, being a member of a family with a history of codependency and a array of other dysfunctions. And also being in community with a lot of different people from having many beautiful platonic relationships of my life, some of which are more in the acquaintance zone. Others are more like soul family, others fall somewhere in between. This is again, something I really geek out on, it’s something I’m always in deep practice around, and very intentionally evolving around.

Elizabeth DiAlto  07:22

So I’m gonna tell you some stories from a few of those different contexts today, to highlight what I mean when I say liberate your words to set yourself free. And a reminder for anyone listening who’s a member of the wild soul sacred body community, you have access to and might want to revisit the dating workshops I did in 2021. I did a workshop called dating in your 30s and 40s. And I also did a second one specifically about online dating. I’ve been meaning to update those, by the way, I’ll probably will do that at some point in the next few months. And as well, you have access to the courageous conversations workshop. And something I’m going to mention later in the episode is the alkalizing anger workshop. So if you’re members, you have all those in my teaching archives readily accessible to you, if you’re not a member, get on the waitlist. So you could join us next time we open up if that sounds like stuff you could use. So I love talking about this stuff. So much actually stood up, I’m at my standing desk, I couldn’t have sat down to record this episode, you’re probably going to feel that energy as I talk about these things.

Elizabeth DiAlto  08:30

Far too often, the conflict struggles and suffering in our lives are happening because we are not speaking up about them. So first things first is always being honest with yourself when something is bothering you, and or when you’re having an idea, a desire or a need that you can’t carry out on your own and you need others involvement for him. So when it comes to dating, there’s a few things just getting to know people staying curious, having some go to questions I shared on my substack recently how I vet potential lovers. And I’m going to share some of those questions and things with you in a moment. But again, to give context. I am currently living and loving a solo polyamorous life, which means that I don’t have a primary partner nor do I have a desire for one. But I do have a few consistent lover friends. And I’m pretty regularly meeting new people to see if it makes sense to add anyone else to by what I like to call my constellation of companions. If you want to hear more about that you can listen to episode number 399 My sacred slot summer. I’ll also be doing a sacred slot update episode soon because after seven months, it’s now just become my sacred sweat life. And a lot of things have evolved. And even though I’m not looking for a life partner, I’m also not interested in surface level or casual connections. I’m interested in love and intimacy so the vetting process is calculated and deep. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  09:57

So here are some of the questions Things that I asked and the reasons why. And the other thing is I have presented these in the context of vetting potential lovers. But these can really be used for getting to know anybody in any context, except for the one about sex. That when, if you’re getting to know your co workers, that might not be the one where who knows, depending on what your job is.

Elizabeth DiAlto  10:21

First one is, what is the most exciting thing going on in your life right now? I love this question, because there are a lot of boring and resigned people out there. And to me, boring just means they aren’t invested in exploring, embodying or expanding their potential. Resigned means that even if they are, they’re just not doing it, and don’t have any judgment for this. There’s a ton of reasons why people wouldn’t be doing either of those things, which often include things that really need our compassion, right? Like trauma, fears and insecurities. It just doesn’t work for me. So I’m looking when I ask people these questions, I’m looking for answers that show me the person who’s curious and courageous about living a meaningful life. I also love asking people, what’s a challenge you experienced recently? And how did you handle it? This one reveals so much about people from whether they could be honest about things in their life that are challenging to their ability to self reflect whether or not they have the humility, to admit that they had something to learn, and the confidence to tell a woman about it without needing to pretend they have it more together than they are. This question has also boosted my faith in men on many occasions when they do answer, honestly. This next one, as I mentioned, is the question about sex. And you may not want to ask this to people outside of that context, or maybe you do. But I like to ask people when was the last time they had sex? And how was it and I’m primarily interested in sexual friendships. So I want to hear them talk about sex and their sexual partners. I’m looking for passion, confidence, ownership of desires, and most importantly, respect for both the sacred act of sex and for women. I often have follow up questions depending on how they answer. And I also love this question because it sets the tone for a connection rooted in transparency.

Elizabeth DiAlto  12:06

One of my least favorite things about the dating world in general these days, is how people feel the need to act like they’re not seeing or sleeping with other people when they are, that she doesn’t bother me. I’m not a jealous or possessive person. And I want to know where other people stand with it, and how they communicate about it. So that’s why I asked this question. And you know, a lot of you unless you’re new, you know, I’m hetero. But these things aren’t necessarily gender or sexual orientation specific, in a lot of cases. So again, as always, I’m going to be the broken record and say, Please put this in your own context.

Elizabeth DiAlto  12:41

I love asking people what made them laugh the hardest recently, and this is one of the simpler questions. I just love humor, and I want to know what they laugh, laugh about. And I want to know, if they laugh regularly. I also love asking people, what’s something you’re really proud of yourself for? How people speak about themselves says a lot about them. I’m a confident person. And I’m used to people feeling intimidated by me in all contexts, but when men feel intimidated by women in dating, or sexual contests, their behavior is usually not cute. And a lot of cases it creates like emotional labor, or heavy lifting for us to do. And I’m really not interested in that. So I like to see what I’m working with around that as soon as possible.

Elizabeth DiAlto  13:24

I asked people, what would you do if you never had to think about money? Because this is just a really interesting question. Anyway, some people will jump to assuming it means that they have unlimited resources to do whatever they want with as if I would have asked what would you do if you won the Mega Millions? Others will take it as I mean it, which is if you didn’t have to think about money? How would you move through the world and behave? I specifically don’t elaborate on how I mean it though, because the direction they take the question is also revealing, on top of whatever the answer is itself. And I also love these questions, because they’re fun to answer. And most people want to know how I’d respond to so it makes for great two way conversations, revealing shared values, green flags, red flags, and all that kind of stuff. It’s also infinitely more interesting than everyone’s least favorite dating app question, which is how was your day? So boring.

Elizabeth DiAlto  14:18

So to move into the next contexts, in running a business, the thing I want to focus on is how important establishing community agreements and guidelines is in all of my spaces. I even have them on Instagram, even though like social media is the Wild West, if you go to my Instagram at Elizabeth D alto. One of my pinned post is our community guidelines and agreements. And the reason why is while I do have a lot of energy, for engaging with a lot of people, I don’t have the energy for dealing with people’s emotionally immature nonsense, and I’m absolutely not going to. So this is about boundaries and transparency. Eat, which creates environments of safety and inclusivity. And as many people know, like when we toss around the word safety, I always like to make sure to be clear about something. People are too diverse to promise complete safety to everyone all the time. That’s not possible. But inclusivity and having an ethic of care, where compassion, curiosity and willingness to dig in and do the work together, when things come up, that is liberating for everybody involved. And having community guidelines around that sets the tone for that being the energy in the space in the way that we’re going to do things. Again, like I said earlier, if or when things come up, that needs to be worked out.

Elizabeth DiAlto  15:43

This also highlights one of my favorite things about boundaries, which is that we don’t set boundaries with people we’re not trying to keep around. So if you’re someone, or if you have been someone in the past, or you know, people who think having boundaries is mean, or rude. It’s not the case, we’re not trying to shut people out. If we want to do that we won’t set boundaries with them, we’ll just cut off communication, or ghost or just kind of fade out. We only set boundaries when we’re actually hoping to continue connection with people, but just make it a better connection. So in my space is I like to make our values clear. And I’m also clear about what I’m available for what I’m not who I am what I stand for, because this saves time, it compels the right people and repels the wrong people. I also do this upfront, so no one is coming into my spaces with the wrong impression, or being surprised after they make an investment with me.

Elizabeth DiAlto  16:39

And I had an experience in December that reminded me why this is just so friggin important to me. I joined a program called joyful marketing. I hadn’t joined a business program of any variety, since like 2017. So it was kind of a big deal for me. But I was feeling like I wanted to like put a defibrillator on my marketing, I get really tired of marketing sometimes, but it’s really important to do. And I was really vibing with the woman who runs the program. Her name is Simone soul, I was listening to her podcast, I was digging her content, it seemed like we had a lot of shared values and things like this. And so I signed up for her program. And her guidelines weren’t clear. They had some guidelines. But not all of the guidelines were clear. The language they used in their content and marketing made things seem one way. But once I was inside the program and started interacting, it was clear that there was some major gaps in what she says she values and the work that she’d actually done to embody and integrate those values. There was even a moment when she responded to a comment I made in their Facebook group by informing me about an unspoken standard and their community. And the problem with an unspoken standard is that doesn’t allow people to show up well, in a space, the standard should be clear spoken and highlighted, especially when someone new is joining. So they can orient themselves to the space. They know what’s okay and what’s not. And it’s liberatory because to make things clear, spoken and highlighted, doesn’t set people up to engage in ways, again, that aren’t welcome, but are totally preventable. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  18:24

And I ended up leaving that program, but not without first reaching out to Simone to call her in as a peer in the industry, and also as a fellow bipoc business owner, because the nature of the comment I made was, in part having to do with being a person of color. And when she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in addressing the ways in which I was made to feel unsafe in her space, or being accountable for the clear gap between how she presents her values and how she really wasn’t practicing them. I did leave the program.

Elizabeth DiAlto  18:57

And I want to be clear about something in a cancel cultural world. I’m not telling you the name of her program or naming her to bash her or cancel her or anything like that, or even to dissuade you from working with her. Everything I just shared is no different than leaving a review online for an experience. When you review a product on Amazon. No one’s like I can’t believe you said the name of the product. But when it comes to people, a lot of people tend to get like weird about that. And I think partly because of that stupid Eleanor Roosevelt quote, great minds discuss ideas, average minds, discuss events and small minds discuss people and other philosophies that kind of stem from and around that. Great Minds discuss all kinds of things, life experiences, and interacting with people is a huge part of our life experience. as well. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  19:45

as disappointing as my experience with Simone was I also really appreciated it. It lit a fire under my ass to do something I’ve been thinking about for years, which is host a business interview series, not as part of the podcast because business is not what I do. And I’m planning to interview like 15 to 25 people. And that would take up a good chunk of the year. And I’m not interested in doing that on the show. But this is something I am super passionate about, even though like I’m not a business coach or anything like that, I have done some business mentorship in the past, which really showed me that I am not interested in doing that. It’s just something I’m passionate about as a person who hasn’t had a job in any form since 2012. And has been an entrepreneur and a business owner sustaining myself for going on 11 years now, I’m impacted by the overlapping industries of online business coaching, spiritual and personal development and health and wellness, as I know many of you are or you probably wouldn’t be listening to this podcast.

Elizabeth DiAlto  20:45

And doing this interview series is also part of me walking my talk, because something I teach in my membership is alkalizing anger, when something makes us angry, it’s a really healthy thing to do, to transmute that energy into something creative or useful to do something about it. Because anger is a big energy. It’s a big, hot, fiery energy. And when transmuted and channeled into something useful and meaningful, it can be really powerful and really beneficial. So that’s what this business series is going to be. I’m calling it the real up level. And I’m going to interview somewhere between 15 to 25. People, like I mentioned, who run their businesses online, who I admire and respect for all the ways I know, they are integrating liberatory values and practices in their businesses.

Elizabeth DiAlto  21:31

Because again, a lot of people have the language, right, a lot of people are in that first stage, or that early stage of learning, which is crucial, we all have to go through, you know, learning the language, building our awareness, but it’s something that’s quite popular is seeing that people stop there, right, because then they have the language, but they’re not doing analysis. They’re not integrating, they’re not doing the actual work, they’re not staying accountable. And that’s the stuff that really matters. So I’m going to be interviewing people who are doing all of that. And they’re going well beyond just using the right words, so they don’t get in trouble on the internet.

Elizabeth DiAlto  22:07

If you’re tapped into this industry as well, you’re probably aware at how toxic it can be in a lot of ways. And I’m just tired of that. I’ve been tired of it for a while. But I’ve also been on the fence for a while about how to use my voice and platform to create something that’s meaningful. So this interview series will be launching it sometime in March. So if you want to get on the interest list for that, you can go to untamed, forward slash real uplevel. And you will be the first to know when that goes live.

Elizabeth DiAlto  22:35

So moving out of the business contacts into personal relationships, whether it’s family, friends, romantic connections, something I used to do up until my late 20s When I finally got into like healing and therapy and looking at my traumas and all that stuff was I really used to stuff my feelings, or just straight up, block them out, and in some cases disassociate. Because I never want it to be a burden on people, I had the experience growing up of feeling constantly burdened by my parents emotional experiences. So I decided, probably by the time I was a teenager, that I would just handle my own feelings. The problem was, I didn’t know how to do that yet. So I called it and I thought of it as handling my feelings. But really, I was just blocking them out, stuffing them denying them, and often acting like I was okay, when I really wasn’t. This meant I had a lot of anger and resentment pent up, which would end up coming out sideways, whether in passive aggressive ways, or aggressive, aggressive ways, especially if we’re when I was intoxicated, because that was also a big part of my 20s. And this is why I often emphasize the importance of what I call going out on an emotional limb, where limb is Li M, the L is for emotional literacy, the eye is for emotional intelligence, and the M is for emotional maturity. And just to kind of give a little distinction, these are not exhaustive definitions, but just a little highlight. Literacy is just simply being able to name how you feel right? What do you feel? Where do you feel it? What is the actual emotion? Intelligence is understanding the emotional experience like what’s happening, what’s going on, being able to observe what’s happening, for example, oh, I’m reacting this way because I’m triggered, or I’m shutting down because I’m upset. And maturity is the ever evolving access we have to choices about what to do with our emotional experiences, and the ability to choose wisely to do things like pause so we can respond rather than react, to take space when we need it to feel our feelings without fear or discharging them on others or making other people responsible for them. And maturity is also being able to take responsibility and be accountable when we mess up.

Elizabeth DiAlto  24:50

So these things are used and they’re all laboratory practices and skills that we can develop. It just takes a lot of work. Back to sex and intimacy. I love Talking about sex. I talk to all kinds of people about sex and intimacy all the time. And I have a very strong opinion that the main reason for bad sex is actually bad communication. And let me be clear, when I say bad, I really just mean unsatisfying. If people aren’t speaking up about what they want, how they want it, boundaries, limits, desires, and curiosity, preferences, things like that. It’s on them. Now, of course, I am not blaming or shaming anybody for being a poor communicator in sex, because it’s already vulnerable to speak up about needs, desires, and preferences. And for a myriad of reasons, sex tends to make everything feel even more vulnerable. So if you’re not good at that, it’s okay. Right. But if you’re having consistently unsatisfying experiences, what I’m inviting you to consider is that communication could really help you with that, on a level. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  25:56

And again, you don’t have to agree with my opinion. But it is deeply rooted in a wide range of experiences, research study, and conversations with all types of people about this, I hadn’t encountered recently, that was probably the most mediocre sexual experience I’d had in years. And that was partially on me, because at a certain point, I could see that it was going in that direction. And I decided, rather than speaking up about it, I would just wrap it up, it wasn’t worth the energy to me. And I could already tell I probably wasn’t interested in an ongoing connection with the person. So again, we don’t always have to choose to do heavy lifting or address something in a moment, we could actually choose to opt out. And the other thing is, again, for the Human Design geeks, I’m an emotional authority. So it usually takes me you know, anywhere from like one to three days or so to really suss out how I feel about things. So I also wanted to give myself time to feel into it.

Elizabeth DiAlto  26:51

Now, if I had decided to see this person, again, I would have said something to him about it, and spoken up and addressed like the needs the desires, what I felt was making it an unsatisfying experience. And in fact, even though I wasn’t going to see him again, I did communicate how the experience was for me, because even though it wasn’t going to make a difference for me, because I didn’t want to see him again. I figured perhaps it would create some awareness for him moving forward. But more importantly, he wanted to see me again, and I wasn’t interested in doing that. So I did need to communicate something anyway.

Elizabeth DiAlto  27:24

Okay, so we’re coming up on the 30 minute mark. And I have been trying to keep these episodes a little shorter lately. So I hope these stories and examples have helped to illuminate how, why and where it’s important to use your words to free yourself, and how using your words speaking up, naming, articulating processing things really is liberatory. It helps to create better, more satisfying experiences, to prevent yourself from having to deal with things that are actually optional, avoidable and unnecessary. Right. Like fairly often, people are having experiences and they’re like, Why does this always happen? Well, sometimes, if it’s a repeat experience, that is a big invitation for you to take a look at it and do something differently. And communication is often something that we can do differently, which is why it can be so liberating.

Elizabeth DiAlto  28:19

So this was by no means an exhaustive analysis. If you have your own examples or you want to share anything, you’re welcome to slide into my DMs Elizabeth D alto on Instagram. You can also email us at Hello at untamed And as a reminder, this is episode number 413. If you want to get links to anything I mentioned in the show notes, you can go to untamed forward slash podcast and look for episode number 413. I did mention quite a few things in the episode today. So hope you enjoyed that hope it was helpful. And I’ll see you again next week.