A Sacred Slut Update

by | Feb 13, 2023 | Uncategorized

Since recording episode 399 where I introduced my ‘Sacred Slut Summer’ experiment, I’ve discovered that I’m loving the intimacy, connection, and companionship that’s available in the solo polyamorous lifestyle. 

From my early 20s to early 30s, I was essentially a serial monogamist. After taking about a year and a half to deeply reconnect with myself and heal after my last long-term partnership, I realized that I love dating, but not necessarily with the intention of merging my life with someone else’s.


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In this episode, I describe how nourishing it’s been to create what I call a “constellation of companions” and highlight what I’m currently navigating. Whether you’re interested in this lifestyle or not, I hope you hear something that resonates or sparks curiosity about where you can invite more joy into your life.

In episode 415 of the Embodied Podcast we discuss:

  • (1:55) Recapping my ‘Sacred Slut Summer’ experiment
  • (4:30) Getting back into dating in 2018 
  • (7:51) Defense mechanisms that I’m noticing on social media and IRL 
  • (16:13) Realizing what I actually enjoy about relationships: sex, affection, intimacy, companionship, being able to do fun things, and also having different energy in my life 
  • (23:13) What no one tells women in their 30s and 40s about pleasure and intimacy 
  • (24:54) What I’m loving about this lifestyle 
  • (29:26) The biggest thing that I’m still navigating
  • (33:23) Staying open and available for what’s out there 
  • (35:04) A humbling epiphany I had recently 
  • (37:34) What you can expect from our upcoming workshop

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Quotes from this Week’s Episode of the Embodied Podcast: 

  • I had really fallen in love with this man who was not available for that and then I met another amazing man who was everything I’d been saying I wanted, and I couldn’t have been more bored. I finally asked myself a question that I never had before: Do I even want to partner with a man? And what I realized was no, I really don’t. I really don’t want to merge my life with somebody else’s.
  • There’s something for me about revering, respecting, and honoring the entirety of a human being that’s in front of me, especially in an intimate or romantic or sexual context. This goes to the good ole ‘treat people how you want to be treated.’ And for me, it’s also a spiritual and devotional practice. 
  • How much of my pain, strife, stress, and angst in relationships has come from trying to force myself to do relationship in a way that I might not fundamentally be built for? 
  • I frickin’ love getting to dive into something I previously judged or doubted, or really didn’t understand, and find out how much richness is there. There’s so much available for me here on terms that work for me, in a context that works for me, and it’s super nourishing. 
  • I think this is one of the things that I love so much about this lifestyle is I get to play, I get to experiment, and I get to be curious. I often feel like a kid in a candy store, but I’m not a kid, and it’s very adult candy.

How was this episode for you?

Was this episode helpful for you today? I’d love to know what quote or lesson touched your soul. Let me know in the comments below OR share the episode on Instagram, tag me your stories @elizabethdialto, or send me a DM!

About the Embodied Podcast with Elizabeth DiAlto

Since 2013 I’ve been developing a body of work that helps women embody self-love, healing, and wholeness. We do this by focusing on the four levels of consciousness – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

In practical terms, this looks like exploring tools and practices to help you tune into the deep wisdom of the body and the knowing of the heart, which I believe are gateways to our souls. Then we cultivate a new relationship with our minds that allows the mind to serve this wisdom and knowledge and soul connection, rather than override it, which is what many of us were taught.

If you’ve been doing self-help or spiritual development work for a while, these are the types of foundational things that often people overlook in pursuit of fancier concepts that often aren’t practical or sustainable. Here, we will focus on building these strong foundations so you can honestly and thoroughly embody self-love. If you’re feeling it, subscribe to the show, and leave us a review wherever you listen from. You can also keep up with show updates and community discussions on Instagram here.

Transcript for Episode 415 “A Sacred Slut Update“:

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:00

I can’t just do these things without bringing the sacred into it, which means honoring myself and honoring the person, bringing my whole self, fully human and fully divine, and seeing and feeling and engaging with the whole self of another person, fully human and fully divine, whether or not they are fully connecting to those parts of themselves. There’s something for me about reviewing, respecting and honoring the entirety of a human being that’s in front of me, especially in an intimate or romantic or sexual context. That is just so important.

Elizabeth DiAlto  00:49

Hello, everybody, welcome to episode number 415 of The Embodied Podcast. I’m your host, Elizabeth DiAlto. And today, our last couple episodes, it’s about it. They were intense, but they were like intensive, even if, in short format, I got a lot of notes from people telling me that they were like listening to the episodes more than once. And I even found myself doing that. I think some of you know this, if you’re longtime listeners, I love going back and listening to our episodes after they’ve been recorded. Because whether it’s a solo episode that I’ve recorded, or an interview that I’ve done with somebody, it’s just a different experience as a listener, than as the person who is recording it. In real time. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  01:31

There’s so much stuff that comes through in the conversation listening after the fact. Plus, you know, me, I’m always stewing on things and things are always percolating, that’s not unique to me, we’re all like that, right? If we listen to something more than once, we’ll hear something we didn’t hear before, or something will land in a way that it couldn’t have landed before. So today’s episode is more just a riff, I don’t have any notes. And what I wanted to do was an update on my sacred Slit Experiment. Back in September, I recorded an episode it was number 399, called My sacred slit summer.

Elizabeth DiAlto  02:08

And if any of you are new here, what that was about is, I was in, you know, monogamous relationships, almost back to back, maybe there would be five or six months in between, and most of them were long term, the shortest one was six months, I had a couple of like four years, or three years, a year and a half, some of them were on and off more than were more consistent. Actually, only one of them was on and off. So you know, from basically like, my early 20s, to my early 30s, almost 11 years, I was kind of a serial monogamist, I didn’t really understand yet that you can meet someone, be really into them, and not have to like dive face first into like a deep, committed partnership. And after I ended my last long term partnership in 2016, were actually live with someone for most three years. I first of all took a year and a half off from all dating. I am not a person who is uncomfortable on my own. I actually love being on my own. And I just really wanted to reconnect him with myself deeply. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  03:20

Also, that relationship was a bit traumatizing, so I had a lot of healing to do. That’s when I really looked at codependency and unpacking things like emotional abuse, why I would continuously be drawn to that which I had been up until that point. And so I did a lot of great healing work during that time, lot of trauma healing, some therapy, and I got really excited about like some of our episodes in 2017 and 2018 are about codependency narcissistic abuse, stuff like that. There’s some great episodes about dating with Eva clay and campaign which I refer to those episodes even years and years later.

Elizabeth DiAlto  03:57

For those who have dealt with narcissistic abuse our episode with Lisa a Romano and Avery Neal, who by the way, have the title of her episode, which is also the title of her book. If he’s so great. Why do I feel so bad, I still think is one of the greatest titles of anything ever so clear, so specific, and a lot of us have had those experiences, not just in romantic relationships, either. Just in general, even in some of our friendships. We’re like, this is such a great person, why am I feeling so shitty after I spend time with them? It’s important things to reflect on and ask ourselves.

Elizabeth DiAlto  04:30

So in 2018, when I decided to get back into dating at that point, I had never used dating apps, but dating apps had become quite popular. So I remember I got myself on one called the league. I was on Bumble, and later on I got on hinge and at the time I was living in Los Angeles, and I started dating. Consequently, shortly after that, I also started doing stand up comedy. Just for fun, I mean I love stand up. I Love Public Speaking. And I just had a lot of great stories to tell any of you who have ever dated on the apps, you know, there’s always going to be hilarious stories that come from dating on apps. Some people have nightmare stories. But as a person who had been like teaching about courageous communication, since 2015, boundaries since 2013, you know, I have three to five years under my belt of good communication and ability to be on things like dating apps, and not have to deal with a lot of the shit that a lot of people complain about dealing with, because I was quick to nip it in the bud. At the same time, though,

Elizabeth DiAlto  05:39

what was cool about dating in 2018, for me especially, was I had just done this intensive year and a half of healing, especially after being in an emotionally abusive relationship. And healing in isolation is one thing, and not necessarily isolation. But healing relationship things, while not engaging in relationships is quite one thing. But then re engaging with men and dating and sex and intimacy. And the possibility of love was a really great way for me to like, put my money, where my mouth was right on everything had just healed, and the deeper understandings, the things I was now able to see as red flags and green flags, and everything in between, to apply it in the field. Again, that’s what I’m talking about is different, right? When there’s actually a person on the other end of the phone, or on the other side of the table, or you’re on a date, or you’re intimate or you’re naked. And it’s time to set a boundary that’s a little different than, you know, talking about it, theorizing about it, teaching about it, and helping other people work out on their boundary stuff. Because it’s just different when it’s you and it’s right there up in your face. And you have to decide, do I say something? Do I not say something? Is this really important to me? Is it not?

Elizabeth DiAlto  07:00

So I actually really loved dating, I love dating for that reason. And also, I just love meeting all different types of people. And because my work typically has been in the world of women, it was also just a really interesting way for me to get my finger on the pulse of how are the men what is going on with the men in these really interesting times right in the post me two times now in the post pandemic times. And it’s we’re really transitioning out of pandemic times. And it’s just so fascinating. It’s so fascinating to see. Also in like meme culture on the internet, you know, with the psychology memes and the dating memes and now that people have so much more terminology and I’ve been posting about this on Instagram, how there is such a pathologizing problem, right? 

Elizabeth DiAlto  07:53

People have terms like gaslighting narcissist, codependent all these things and are often thrown these terms around willy nilly just because they don’t like how people make them feel. Or just because they don’t like how they feel around people when in reality, gaslighting is not what a lot of people think it is someone disagreeing with you is not gaslighting, even someone lying to you isn’t necessarily gaslighting, you know someone denying your reality making you question yourself, acting like you’re crazy, misleading, misguiding Miss directing you which sometimes people do it consciously, often they don’t, those things are more gaslighting. But a lot of people don’t want to be disagreed with they are in their deep needs to be right, they are super trigger trauma sensitive. And that’s different than being triggered or having trauma. Because a lot of people now use this language as armor, right? That’s how they’re they create barriers to intimacy and connection. They accuse people of doing things they’re not. And rather than just being in connection with people, and going deeper and staying curious, they pathologize like they want to analyze people, and they want to protect themselves.

Elizabeth DiAlto  09:13

This is a deeply protective mechanism. People also do this with things like astrology and human design, right? They want to like look up people’s charts before they even meet them. So they can feel like they understand them. It’s not really that much different than people who want to like check out your social media before they meet you. This is just people wanting to have some sense of comfort and control and mitigate the true vulnerability that is always going to be present when meeting and getting to know and potentially getting intimate with new people, whether that’s Sexually romantically or not. So it’s interesting now in modern dating and modern times, all these different defense mechanisms, protective mechanisms that people have, and some people use those things more responsibly, but a lot of people really aren’t even noticing myself, even though I don’t use them as protective mechanisms, I stopped wanting to look at people’s charts. And I’m just like a geek for people in human behavior. So I’m not out here looking at people’s charts to be like, Oh, I don’t get along with people who have this, this and this, I’m more interested in going cool, I can see where some of our differences might be, where communication might be extra important, or where we really might get along. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  10:26

Or we really might share some similarities in this or that. For me, it’s just cool to see where we might be very similar, where we might be very different, where there might be conflict where there might be ease, so that if I’m really into someone, I could be like, got it, this is a place where it’s probably going to be crunchy for us. And since we know that, we don’t have to, like make a big meaning out of it, we could just understand that we’re fundamentally built different here. Maybe it’s a place for great connection, conversation, curiosity, opening, deeper understanding of something or an opportunity to look at a thing in a different way than I normally would or that I’m built to. So that’s why I like to use those things.

Elizabeth DiAlto  11:08

But I also realized over time that I really like to get to know people quite a bit before I go looking into that stuff. Because those things can also just be distracting, and also create this illusion that we know people better than we actually do. Because the other thing is, everything exists on a spectrum, right? Like I’m a Virgo sun, and I have my Mercury in Virgo. Those two things are, they snuggle up right next to each other in the fourth house, which is the house of home and astrology. And even if you don’t know about astrology doesn’t really matter. I’m just giving context for the people who do one of my favorite longtime students and clients who’s now also in my sacred vitamins specialist training is also a Virgo. And if you are just into pop astrology, one of the things most people know or think they know about Virgos is that Virgos are perfectionists. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  12:03

What’s deeper about that, and for someone who’s done more work on themselves, so a more evolved, Virgo is really just super discerning. And detail oriented for sure. And will be very observational, so people will call this analytical, very observational, but what you do with the analytical nature, or the observations or the discernment or the standards, that is really a could be perfectionism, or it could be a deep invitation for seeing things as they are and accepting things as they are. And that’s one of the things my student client training now has shared over time, how I’ve given her completely different access to being a Virgo, than just oh, I’m a perfectionist, oh, I’m super analytical, because I don’t really roll like that. And as well, everything is categorical. So there, there are areas in my life where I am much more meticulous, and discerning and my standards are very high. And then there’s other areas where I’m like, whatever, I don’t really care. So sweeping generalizations tend to not really serve anyone, on any level.

Elizabeth DiAlto  13:12

So back to dating, that wasn’t just a random tangent, the ways this is one of the things I’ve loved about dating, I learned so much through lived experience, right? hearing people’s stories, people’s experiences, about people’s lives. You know, we’re all so different. And so many people grow up so much differently than I have different family structures, different experiences, different education, different careers, all kinds of things. People from all over the world, different cultures, a god I love learning and hearing about, essentially, being immersed in different cultures through different men that I’m dating are stories about their families and stuff like that. So again, I’m a person who I love dating. Can it be exhausting? Yes. Is it always the most positive experience? No. Just the other week, I posted.

Elizabeth DiAlto  14:03

I do Saturday sillies on Instagram almost every single week. And I had created my own because I had gotten back on the hinge app just for a minute. I don’t really know why I just had like a little intuitive nudge to get back on hinge for a minute. And it was cool because I met this amazing man while I was on there. And I feel like I really just got on hinge to meet this dude, but also to have this level of fun and entertainment, which I’m about to tell you about. People write ridiculous things in their dating profiles. Everyone does even us, right. And again, this goes to how different we are from each other. I’m sure people see some of the things that I have written in my profile, and you know, show their friends and think it’s ridiculous. Again, because we’re all so different. But for me, especially with men there are just you know, a lot of things you see people writing the same shit over and over again. And some of it’s just like they’re trying to be deep but it’s not deep at all. So I what I was doing A lot of us have heard of this practice of like writing a letter that you don’t sense to, like, express your feelings to someone without having to like, say certain things to people. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  15:08

So I started playing this game of responding to things men wrote in their profile, but not sending it, just taking a screenshot of it, and instead of sending it to the man, because I don’t mean to be out here, like being bitchy, and like reading people, like kind, I sent it to my friends, and we had some good laughs about it. And I posted them on Instagram as Saturday sillies. And a lot of people were sharing them, a lot of people were relating a lot of people were expounding upon and sharing other examples of stuff. And as I noticed, people were sharing, I was seeing how I was tagged in a bunch of people’s stories in these posts. And a lot of people were saying, I hate dating apps. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. And I’m not out here trying to evangelize for dating apps, or tell anyone that they should like something that they don’t. I just wanted to be clear that I don’t hate dating apps, even though it was like a whole series of silly shit that came from hinge. I wasn’t doing that to bash dating apps. I wasn’t doing that to bash hinge. I also wasn’t doing that to bash men. It was just, it’s the absurdity of it all. It’s the absurdity of it all that I love and enjoy and find so freakin entertaining.

Elizabeth DiAlto  16:18

What I also always want to know is who does like this? I really do believe there are people out there for all of us. And so I’m just like, who is swiping on these profiles? Who is reading that and being like, Man, this guy sounds amazing. I just always wonder about that.

Elizabeth DiAlto  16:34

But anyway, back to the deeper topic of the episode, I realized after 2021 When I had really fallen in love with this man who was not available for that. And then I met an another amazing man who was like everything I’ve been saying I wanted, and I couldn’t have been more bored. I finally asked myself a question that I never had, which feels like ridiculous to me, that I had never thought about this before. But I really asked myself, Do I even want to partner with a man? And what I realized was no, I really don’t. I really don’t want to merge my life with somebody else’s. The things that I enjoy so much about relationships really are like sex, affection, intimacy, companionship, being able to do fun things, and also just being able to have different energy in my life. Then again, all of the woman oriented woman centric energy in my life, because I have so many amazing female friends. And I do work with women. So I decided in the summer of 2022, to just allow myself to experiment in non monogamy and polyamory for me though, I can’t just do these things without bringing the sacred into it, which means honoring myself and honoring the person, bringing my whole self fully human and fully divine, and seeing and feeling and engaging with the whole self of another person, fully human and fully divine, whether or not, they are fully connecting to those parts of themselves. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  18:16

There’s something for me about revering, respecting and honoring the entirety of a human being that’s in front of me, especially in an intimate or romantic or sexual context. That is just so important. Because this goes to the good old, treat people how you want to be treated. And for me, it’s also a spiritual, it’s also a devotional practice, like if I’m literally going to get intimate or naked with someone, it is not going to be without the presence of God. And I know some people aren’t big on the word God, Allah will say, God, I will say the divine, I will say, the great beloved, or anything like that. And as always, you’re welcome to use your own word, put it in your own context. I’m never out here talking about like, the big daddy in the sky or Christianity’s God, I just, I have no issue, the term is not triggering or activating for me on any level. So it’s also a great stretch for me to treat people like their sacred, even when they are not behaving like people who are sacred. So it’s also a deep spiritual practice for me. And in the episode that I shared in September about you know how the first couple months of my sacred sled summer were going, I was talking about bumping into just something I always have to remember, which is how much a lot of people lie, not just to others, but to themselves. And this is something I realized about myself. I don’t think I articulated this in that episode. It’s become a lot more clear to me lately. Integrity is such a high value for me, and lying is not something I ever reach for, unless there’s like danger there has to be an extenuating circumstance for me, where A lie is the best option for me to reach for that, in general, I’d rather tell the truth, or I’d rather share whatever aspect of the truth is appropriate to share with whoever is in front of me for whatever thing that is coming up or going on. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  20:17

And that’s an important distinction, right? There’s the whole truth. And then there’s portions of the truth. It’s not versions of the truth, it’s portions of the truth, not everyone needs to know everything. And being transparent, is not about sharing too much with everybody in the name of truth, because that’s not actually healthy, in some cases safe, and in a lot of cases wise to do. So that’s something that’s been really useful for me, learning how to navigate how much of the truth to share with whom, based on utility usefulness, if I’m trying to deepen a connection, if I’m trying to move away from a connection, or something like that. There’s a lot of discernment that goes into that. So that’s been the muscle that I’ve really been deepening into. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  21:11

And also in last week’s episode when he talks about liberating relationships, and I’m gonna go much deeper into this when I do the relationship inventory workshop on February 26. So if you’re listening in real time, check that out. It’s at untamed self.com, forward slash workshops. I have now in the sacred sloth episode, I talked about wanting a constellation of companions, because I’m also not out here trying to objectify people. I do love variety, though, I do love the variety. This is something I also had to accept about myself. And to go back to astrology for a second, I have a stellium. I have like five placements in the seventh house of relationships in Sagittarius, which is a very fiery, adventurous energy. And for years, astrologers had been telling me, I might enjoy some kind of unconventional form of relationship, and had a lot of resistance to it. So now that I’m fully embracing it, I’m realizing how deeply nourishing it is to have this constellation of companions, different men, different cultures, different lifestyles, different interests, different kinks, different energies, it’s just so fulfilling, it’s so nourishing for me. And obviously, we’re safe. We talk about things that need to be talked about, especially sexually and things like that. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  22:31

But I’m able to explore, I’m able to express different aspects of myself with different people. And I just love it. And often when I’m sharing about it with my friends, especially my friends who are more oriented towards monogamy, or people who are in relationships, currently, especially long term and married friends, sometimes I’ll be met with a, oh my god, I’m so glad I’m not out in the dating world, which sometimes it can sound or feel a little condescending. And that’s not what people mean, they’re really just like, I just, I don’t think I would have the energy for it. I don’t know how you do that. I’m really built for it, I enjoy it. When it gets exhausting, I delete my apps, and I take a break. And I also just enjoy being with the people. I’m currently with the current constellation. So this is really what I want to share. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  22:51

So yes, there are some things I never would have thought I would be into. Or I would want to try, especially sexually, that I’ve tried over the last several months with some of my guys that I’m really comfortable with and feel really safe with. And I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details of that. I did start a sub stack though, where sometimes I do get into the nitty gritty details. The substack is Elizabeth D alto does substack.com And because I’m not interested in really divulging those very personal details. I’ve also started writing posts called fact fiction or fantasy, where I will share some of those things, but I will also share them as fiction. This way. You can read it and I can share it but you won’t necessarily know what’s real and what’s made up. I love that. I also have an interest in fiction writing. So that’s just giving me a place to stretch my creative writing muscles over there.

Elizabeth DiAlto  23:13

No one tells women later into their 30s moving into their 40s, how much pleasure and intimacy is available, I was gonna say still available, I don’t even want to say still, because I don’t want to buy into that like late bloomer, or it’s never too late kind of mentality. That’s not what I’m talking about. Because of the nature of my work and doing embodiment work with people and helping people connect to their senses, to separate their sensuality from their sexuality, just so they can experience those things. Without them always having to go hand in hand also helps people when they do want them to go hand in hand to have much more pleasurable experiences. And as well as you know, being able to speak up speak about boundaries, say no to certain things.

Elizabeth DiAlto  24:38

But what I’m loving about this experiment more than anything, first of all, it’s not an experiment anymore. I’m pretty sure this is my way of life now I’m pretty sure being a solo polyamorous person is the best fit for me. So polyamorous just meaning that I have several partners, not just one, there is no primary and there’s no hierarchy in the partnerships. And my relationships revolve around me, they don’t revolve around a primary relationship. Right? The way I engage with people has to do with how my availability, my desires, what’s going on in my life, not any other relationship. I recently connected with a man who was in an open relationship. And I realized that I didn’t like that I thought I would, I thought I actually would like being someone’s lover who’s in an ethically non monogamous, or consensually non monogamous relationship. And maybe I would have the person’s agreements were different. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  25:50

But he actually lives like right here in South Beach not far away from me. And him and his partner. It sounds like they’re kind of like socialites, they throw these big parties, they know a ton of people. And what are their agreements is about privacy and discretion. So when they travel, they’re more open, especially when they travel separately. But locally, here in Miami, they don’t really play with other people. And they’re not really interested in their friends, you know, knowing everything that goes on, in and around the openness of their relationship. So with this man, especially because he lives right near me, there were a lot of constrictions around where or when we could hang out. And personally, for me, I don’t like having my desire, my curiosity, my interest, having to be guided by the rules and agreements of somebody else’s relationship. And I fully respect that. I just realized, for me, I wasn’t interested in that. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  26:51

Because it was it felt like it put an instant limit on what was available for us to explore, I think I might be interested in being with someone who was in an open relationship, where there was a lot more freedom to explore. But that didn’t work out for me. That’s why I was interested. So I tried it because I was curious.

Elizabeth DiAlto  27:08

And that’s another thing I’m loving about this, there’s so many things that I might think I would like and then find out I don’t things I don’t think I would like but I opened myself up to trying it and I realized I do one of which which I’m not gonna give you any details about this other than saying, one of my guys have been seeing for like, almost six months now, who is he’s just a great dude. He is just a really, really great dude, I respect him so much. He treats me amazingly, I feel super safe and super comfortable with him. He took me to a swingers club, I had never thought I would ever step foot into a place like that. It was a craziest night of my life, not necessarily something I ever need to do again, but just wild and not even necessarily wild, just in my own experience. But just observing what goes on in places like that blew my mind, my only exposure to anything like that would be TV, movie and books. But to see it in real life with real human beings was just out of this world. I will write some sub stacks, some fact fiction or fantasy about that at some point. But it was just absolutely hysterical. It was also a foam party. And that actually, I loved about it, because it just felt like an adult playground. There was a lot of like childlike playfulness, and that kind of just curious playground energy that night in that place that I really did appreciate.

Elizabeth DiAlto  28:38

And I think this is one of the things that I love so much about this lifestyle, is I get to play, I get to experiment, I get to be curious. I often feel like a kid in a candy store. But it’s like, I’m not a kid. And it’s very adult candy. As well, you know, I’m always reminding you I’m not evangelizing for this. I know a lot of people wouldn’t be billed for it. You know, again, when I talk to, you know, my married friends or people in relationships, or people who are more oriented towards monogamy. A lot of times they get comments like, I just wouldn’t have the energy for that. It seems like so much work. The part that’s the work the the communication, the getting to know people, the sifting through folks deciding if you even want to connect with them. I actually love doing that I learned so much about people and those processes.

Elizabeth DiAlto  29:26

And it’s also interesting to me to navigate, going into the depths with people, but not in the context of monogamy. And that’s I will say the biggest thing that I’m still navigating, being able to go super deep with people even though you’re not in a long term committed partnership in a monogamous way, because now a couple of my guys I’ve been seeing them for like six months now. So even though the context in which I see them, and we connect and relate It is not monogamous. These are relationships. These are, you know, we continuously go deeper we get closer, we know what’s going on in each other’s lives. Like we’re there for each other around certain things. It’s not just sex. It’s not just like, Fuck buddies or just hooking up, you know, when I was sick as shit. In November, one of my guys brought me he’s like, Can I do anything for you? Can I bring you anything? I was like, I don’t know. Like, do you have any suggestions? And his grandmother has this like secret recipe for tea. When people aren’t feeling well, he’s like, let me bring you my grandma’s tea. And I’m like, Alright, so he came over and brought me his grandma’s tea, like, I’m loving the intimacy, and the connection and the companionship that’s available, without having to be in a monogamous partnership. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  30:51

And as you can probably hear, even in my voice, I’m still like, landing in it. And who knows, probably after, like a frigging lifetime of only doing monogamy, consciously and intentionally not doing monogamy, but doing deep intimacy, connecting and relating with people is still I mean, I’m still getting used to it. And it just blows my mind, like, what is available and what’s possible. And then for someone like me, who loves being on my own, I’m like, Oh, I don’t have to sacrifice my independence. And listen, I know, some people are able to do that with a monogamous relationships, I just have never been able to write and that that’s just not something I’m actually so proud of myself for, for realizing for all the different ways that I talk about programming and conditioning, and the way those things affect us to finally look at this and go, Huh, how much of my pain, strife, stress and angst in relationships has come from trying to force myself to do relationship in a way that I might not fundamentally be built for that because I mentioned, you know, the pathologizing problem we have in these industries. There was a part of me that wanted to go, well do I have commitment issues, this an attachment style. And so part of the sacred Slit Experiment, which is now my sacred stuff, life is being like nah, girl, that’s just not. That’s a how you want to deeply connect the site, a format for relationship that allows me to thrive. And it’s not like I haven’t tried, I’ve tried so hard. And there’s, I just, I feel fulfilled, I feel the connection, the love, even some of my guys, we say I love you. And I’m the one I actually told to my the two I’ve been seeing for the longest time. Recently, as I’m recording this podcast, it was a couple weeks ago. I was like, Hey, don’t make it weird. But I need to tell you, I love you.

Elizabeth DiAlto  32:50

I was like, This is no different than me telling like my dearest friends in my life that I love them. It’s just so amazing to me that we can have these deep connections, we deeply care about each other. We get to be friends, we get to do fun stuff, we get to have amazing sex and intimacy as well like, and I just love you. And they were both like one of them was like, I love you, too. Thank you for letting me be part of your journey. Like this was great. And the other one was like, I feel it too. I just have trouble expressing my feelings. I was like, I love that. He’s super sweet. He’s a little younger, that one.

Elizabeth DiAlto  33:23

So I am just finding in which this is something I love. I frickin love getting to dive into something I previously judged or doubted, or really didn’t understand, and find out that there’s so much richness here. So much available for me here on terms that work for me, in context that works for me, and it’s super nourishing. And I always say, you know, I remain open and available. Maybe there is an extraordinary partner out there for me that I just haven’t met yet. I remain always open and available to that. But I’m no longer beholden to that I’m no longer going to miss out on connection, intimacy, affection, amazing sex and companionship, because I’m like holding out for this partner that may or may not exist. And listen, some people know in their bones that like there’s a partner out there for them. And that’s what they want. And I love and respect that for people if that’s true for them. And also there are people like me, who had been attached to that because they thought they should be or because the programming around that ran so deep, who was really missing out. And so what’s funny, the reason I started the episode talking about how in 2018 I realized how much I liked dating is because I wasn’t ready to embrace non monogamy or polyamory yet, but I was doing it. I was doing it and I was enjoying it. And then I realized I could do it with more intention and put some more parameters and seek things out that I was more specifically I’m interested in in curious about and allow myself to have that.

Elizabeth DiAlto  35:04

And to wrap up, I want to share something that was a real big epiphany for me humbling to and important. And last week and last week’s episode number 414. Again, which was about liberating relationships, I talked about how our culture, this like healing industry, world coaching, these overlapping industries health and wellness, because people are so fixated on healing. A lot of people are also really fixated on triggers and projection. Everything’s a trigger. Everything’s a freakin projection. Everyone is your mirror, listen, people are always mirroring things back to us. That’s true. But it’s not always a direct reflection, Miriam hasna, who I really enjoy following and have for many years, she has a post that I love, which is, Listen, everyone is your mirror, but some of these people are funhouse mirrors, right? The reflection is sometimes distorted, it’s not always direct, or sometimes something what’s being reflected to you. It’s just something that you need to know something you need to pay attention to. It’s not like, oh, well, if I’m spotting this behavior, I must be doing that. It’s not that. And a lot of people take it that way. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  36:09

And a lot of people really torture themselves in that mindset, which is really often quite unhelpful, but it’s that for years while I was still trying to meet a partner, and what I was meeting was incredible sexual partners, and amazing friends with benefits, but no one who was real, like monogamous partner material, I internalized it a bit and took it personally. And I had this story going that men don’t want to be with me, they just want to have sex with me. And I was laughing so hard, really, this was just like, maybe a month ago or a couple of weeks ago, because that was a projection. It was me all. I didn’t want to be with men, I just wanted to have sex with them. And again, not in an objectifying way because I’m not I’m not a person who can just like have sex, to have sex, there needs to be like respect and reverence and mutual a lot of like mutual care, regard connection on a level for me to even be able to engage with someone sexually. But I was just dying. I was like, Oh, my God, that whole time, it was me. I didn’t want the relationships. But I thought I did. I was so programmed to thinking I did that that was the correct or the right or the best outcome. And so now I’m really relishing in letting that go.

Elizabeth DiAlto  37:34

So I hope this was enjoyable for anyone whether you’re interested in this lifestyle or not. Like I said, there’s a relationship inventory workshop coming up on February 26. For those who are listening in real time, we’re gonna dive into your personal professional family and romantic relationships if you’re a person who engages in romantic relationships. And we’re going to look at ways that you can make your relationships more nourishing or set better boundaries go deeper and the ones you want to go deeper with, maybe move away or reorient in the ones that need to be reoriented which happens sometimes as well. How to part from relationships that are no longer serving you. And do some real honest self and relationship assessment about how you’re showing up how other people are showing up what you need, what courageous conversations you might want or need to have with certain people in your life to have better experiences. 

Elizabeth DiAlto  38:29

And it’s gonna be a great workshop. So go to untamed yourself.com forward slash workshops, if that sounds like something that would be useful to you. If you’re interested in exploring more of the sacred sled stuff with me, you can check out my substack at Elizabeth D alto.substack.com. You can also grab the show notes for this episode. Wherever you are listening to the podcast, the show notes are often right there on the player, or you can go to untamed yourself.com forward slash podcast. Thank you as always so much for listening, and we’ll see you next time.